This letter
was written on April 27th of 1998, the day in which Carlos Castaneda was dying from
liver cancer. As is well known now, his death was hidden for two months by his
associates and of course I didn´t know I was writing this letter at the
same time he was dying. Since on that date I already knew that Castaneda was not
the kind of person who will read and answer a letter, I actually write to him
because an internal need of clarifying for myself my inner connection with him.
It was, for me, a gesture to close the long cycle which was open with my writing
of "The Teachings of don Carlos" and my first letter to him.
Colonia Tovar, Venezuela, April 27th, 1998.
Dear Carlos,
I write to
you again after many years. My
initial letter from the year 1991 you never answered.
I understand that so famous a writer does not answer letters.
I write this second letter, however, because I feel that the matters
lying between us do not concern only you and me as individuals, but also all
those followers of our work or our books.
To write to
someone like you, who has erased his personal history and created a fog around
his life is not easy. To which
Carlos Should I write? To the
author who many years ago wrote marvelous books that, inspired many people
(including myself) to search for the spirit?
To the materialistic everyday man who goes about founding multinational
enterprises and filing suits against all those who dare to threaten his
exclusive rights of exploitation concerning an indigenous tradition thousands of
years old? Or to the sorcerer’s
apprentice who, starting with the fifth book, leaves the humility of
apprenticeship behind to declare himself as the new nagual, unique and final
inheritor of so portentous a tradition?
Obviously it
is not easy to know to which of these I am addressing, because all of them live
in the same body and beat with the same heart.
I imagine it has not been easy for you either, to have all of those
living inside you. Do they get
along? What kind of dialogue would
they carry on in the simple heart of a mortal, the millionaire writer, the
sorcerer’s apprentice turned nagual, and the businessman warrior of the courts
and lawsuits? Would they leave room
for the brilliant author who, in love with freedom, blessed us with tales of
Power and Freedom? Does anything
remain of him, or have the others murdered him?
Since I do
not know the answer, I will have to write this letter in two parts, addressed to
two distinct and concrete Castanedas. Both
of them I know well. The first part
of my letter will be directed to the that very concrete Carlos who signs
judicial lawsuits against authors and publishers defending his business,
reputation and property rights concerning to Don Juan tradition.
The second
part will be directed to that inner Carlos who accompanied me for many years of
my life with the magic of his writings. I
am talking about that luminous magic of the old times, that one of the
poet-sorcerer enamored of the earth. Do
you remember Genaro embracing the earth? I’m
not speaking of that cold, lugubrious, and downright boring magic of looking for
inorganic beings, with the sole purpose of abandoning this world considered to
be a prison.
FIRST PART
(Directed to the belligerant warrior who sends his army of lawyers to defend the
fair cause of business, money and the “purity” of his legacy).
As you have
imagined, these last few years have not been easy as far as our relationship
goes. For me it has been difficult
to face the fact that one of the writers who I have most admired and to whom I
paid homage with my book The Teachings of
Don Carlos would so suddenly transform himself into my persecutor.
I suppose that for you as well it has proven to be something special,
since you have spent so much time and money persecuting me through your lawyers
and enterprises along the years.
For my part I
believe that I have been able to recover myself from the pain of seeing how he
whom I loved and respected so much has betrayed the spirit of his early
writings. Ultimately this has
proven to be another lesson I have received from you.
I have learned once more how the mundane and the sacred are mixed.
I have proven once more that we are making a mistake each time we become
identified with the idea of a master, a leader, or someone similar, who is free
from sin. Perfect masters,
impeccable beings and immaculate spiritual leaders are fantasies that deny
reality, which we have to experience time and time again until finally we accept
the fact that to be a human being is the never-ending struggle between our
greatness and our misery. I feel
that this lesson has strengthened me, and I should say thanks for it as well,
not without some sadness, because this lesson should be demanding a very high
price from you.
It remains a
mystery to me as to what has so offended you about my work that you should take
so much trouble to try to stop me, although at this point I am beginning to
suspect why. Is it really true what
your lawyers said? Is it true that
it is so important and menacing to your business and your reputation that my
publisher have used a book cover design that looks like those on your books?
Do you truly believe that the image of an eagle or those of a desert
sunset are your exclusive property? Or
perhaps do there exist other, undisclosed reasons?
Do they let you sleep at night? Or
is it, as Margaret says, that you awaken screaming, because instead of
accomplishing your appointment with the ally, what comes to you are the cries of
the son you abandoned...? Or do
these ties no longer matter to you?
Ok dear
Carlos, it seems you have scored a sad victory.
My lawyers inform me (the first with whom I have been associated in my
entire life to defend myself from the attacks of a famous millionaire writer),
that a judge in California found me guilty of not answering your lawsuit in time
or in the proper form. I was not
allowed time to argue the lack of merit of your complaints, or explain the
simple fact that I had nothing to do with the cover design.
Rather the court simply declared me on default, even when my lawyers were
present at the court to respond to the suit. Fine. Niceties of the great
American legal system which you understand so well.
Congratulations. You have
earned another hundred thousand dollars for your cause.
That you have that judgment in your favor is one thing.
That you will be able to collect the money is another matter, however.
Just because it is the case that I don’t happen to have that kind of money.
The little I did have I spent on lawyers, thus I hope you understand and
do not get too desperate when faced with the fact that, for reasons out of my
control, it is very probable that you will be late in collecting the debt.
I imagine that your personal finances will not suffer too much for lack
of this trifling one hundred thousand dollars, for which you fought so hard.
(What is a hundred thousand dollars after so many best-sellers and
Tensegrity (Trade Mark) workshops? I’m
not saying I won’t pay you, just that I might be a little late in doing so.
Surely you will understand.
SECOND PART
(Which is directed to our old companion of battles, brilliant writer touched by
the Spirit).
Dear Carlos,
It has been
many years since you left. It
appears as though many people no longer remember you. Another era and another Carlos has been making an effort to
erase the steps you took on this world. But
I don’t forget Carlos. I don’t know where your free spirit has gone, but in
my feelings and in my life, that spirit continues at my side like a battle
companion.
Things have
changed so much, the world of business and numbers has imposed itself with so
much force in your name that at times I ask myself if you ever truly existed at
all. I tell myself yes.
In spite of the supposedly real Carlos Castaneda and his enterprises, you
did indeed exist. You were and continue to be a living presence, near and dear
to millions of human beings, among which I include myself.
Faced with a
more than one Carlos, you are the one with whom I would choose to stay.
I have the hope that when death comes to level everything, when the Great
Hunter has erased all trace of business, disputes, and lawsuits, it will be your
spirit that will survive, and will, in one way or other, continue to accompany
the search of many other rebel spirits.
It will not
be easy; future generations will have to rummage through all the variations and
contradictions of the writings and enterprises of Mr. Castaneda to separate the
wheat from the chaff. I believe the
effort will be worth the trouble for those who are capable of such a task.
What I
experienced with you, through your books, has in no way been altered.
It remains intact. These experiences in my soul were of such a nature that they
could not have been touched or altered by the later amazement of knowing the
other Carlos.
I want to
tell you that among the things that have contributed to give meaning to my life,
in the personal as well as professional sense, your work will always stand out
as one of the important moments in my search. For that I will always be grateful to you, in spite of the
confusing actions of your alter ego, the other Carlos Castaneda.
THIRD PART
(to both Carloses)
I finish by
writing to both Carloses, and I realize that in a certain way I am also divided.
There is at least one part of me enamored with the early writings of
Carlos Castaneda, as well as another part who at times feels angry at seeing how
much stupidity prevails over the greatness of the past.
And finally there appears yet another part that feels compassion for the
secret drama in the heart of a man who, having written such great works, in his
last years stumbles scandalously over his own humanity.
Carlos,
I can hardly
suspect how hard these last moments must be for you.
You gave me
much in the past.
I,
moved,
can only but
return the gift,
in case you
need it:
Look to your
left,
Ask your
death if this causing you anguish,
If that for
which you fight,
If that to
which you hold fast
Is really
important...
You were
right, Carlos,
There is no
greater adviser
Listen to
her...
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